Is there hope for the hopeless?

Sometimes i feel so trapped, so confined...smothered with all my wrongs! I want to turn myself inside out. Turn the wrong inside and bring the right out. Wow, that doesn't make sense. But oddly it does to me. I sometimes long to be alone surrounded with strangers and at times i need soo much affection but can't stand to be touched! I am confusing like a foreign film with no subtitles. The only thing i long for at times is a quiet room with an old show from the 80's on; a cold sheet surrounding my body and the ceiling fan blowing. And it wouldn't be complete without a bowl of chicken and stars soup. I miss my mom. She died in 1991 at age 47. Guess the soup reminded me of that. Hmmm. Odd how smells stir up memories. There is a certain lotion i smell and it always reminds me of when i would lay my head on my mom's chest as she went back and forth in the rocking chair. She would be talking with a neighbor who came to visit or on the phone. I loved the vibration of her voice echoing through my head. I found peace at that moment. Unfortunately the echoing changed from her generic conversations to "YOU GET WHAT YOU DESERVE!!!" Wow...
talking about spoiling a childhood memory.

ANYways. Not having a good night tonight. I am surrounded with love but feel mostly like crying.
yea yea poor me...NOT. no pity-potty. i've nothing to gain nor does anyone owe me a shoulder to cry on...


Just going through time on an endless watch...