Is there hope for the hopeless?

Sometimes i feel so trapped, so confined...smothered with all my wrongs! I want to turn myself inside out. Turn the wrong inside and bring the right out. Wow, that doesn't make sense. But oddly it does to me. I sometimes long to be alone surrounded with strangers and at times i need soo much affection but can't stand to be touched! I am confusing like a foreign film with no subtitles. The only thing i long for at times is a quiet room with an old show from the 80's on; a cold sheet surrounding my body and the ceiling fan blowing. And it wouldn't be complete without a bowl of chicken and stars soup. I miss my mom. She died in 1991 at age 47. Guess the soup reminded me of that. Hmmm. Odd how smells stir up memories. There is a certain lotion i smell and it always reminds me of when i would lay my head on my mom's chest as she went back and forth in the rocking chair. She would be talking with a neighbor who came to visit or on the phone. I loved the vibration of her voice echoing through my head. I found peace at that moment. Unfortunately the echoing changed from her generic conversations to "YOU GET WHAT YOU DESERVE!!!" Wow...
talking about spoiling a childhood memory.

ANYways. Not having a good night tonight. I am surrounded with love but feel mostly like crying.
yea yea poor me...NOT. no pity-potty. i've nothing to gain nor does anyone owe me a shoulder to cry on...


Just going through time on an endless watch...

INTERVENTION...

hmmmm...there are just some sounds you can't spell. .

So last night was an "INTERVENTION" as best defined in webster's dictionary. Let's just say that water retention is not an issue! That "Katrina" has nothing on me! Shakespeare would have been inspired. Target practice now seems so juvenile. Well you get the point! Could i have predicted the outcome. Probably. As always the end is flooded with "I'm suh, saah....suha...wreee" and me saying "breath!" in through the nose out through the mouth. I really should have entered the medical field. Ha..i made a funny!

Will things be better from here? Ah, this i can NOT predict. Oh i wish i could. If we could all hold the answer to our outcomes; well, we wouldn't take chances now would we?!
And life is about chance! Predictability is not part of REAL life's equation.

So how do i feel as of now? I feel drained. I feel like i have failed. I am disgusted with "this person's behavior". I am humiliated; ashamed. i want to start up that hippie camp i talked about years ago. Living off the land, running around in homemade attire and singing "i'd like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony"....screeeetch (halt) - shaving with corn cobs? killing "bambi" with my own hands? bathing in fish poo? WOW...good morning suburbia

So that's it...i've managed to give the layout of my night without any REAL details. Man i'm good. I do want to say i love my bestfriend for being there for us. Through all the drama (which he HATES) and spells of boredom he hung in there. We needed the "in-between" guy and he pulled through!

so on a side note...as much as i HATE to be a HATER...i'm feeling the HATE TODAY. my work peeps are well...you know what- NOT WORTH WRITING ABOUT! Although if you read a sign that had "come in and win a mini ipod"...would you think you've already won? What tha' heck. What does WIN mean. And are you that stupid to think you've already won. Ok...venting moment.

Much love!

Lose a tree; gain a building and landscape!